Seemed time to update the header image. Or not. Whatever the case, it’s been updated. I also added a Pictures page and am working on getting some galleries together. Snapshots in time that don’t really properly depict how frumpy and unfun I am about 80% of the time – but who wants to look at THOSE sorts of pictures anyhow?
I went and saw Endgame last weekend. I’m a Marvel fan, I love Marvel movies but Endgame was too long and had too much filler it seemed. I would have assumed it’s just me, but the other folks I went with weren’t overly impressed either. The Game of Thrones episode the next night was amazing however.
I had a breakdown of sorts last week. Not sure what triggered it but everything seemed horrible and useless. Flat and pointless. I almost felt like I should go to the hospital but then I thought that really there’s nothing anyone could have done. Just given me a sedative and possibly just brought the Ministry around to check on my parenting capabilities. At least that was my fear. My brain was noisy and uncooperative. Many broken half-thoughts and many tears. But, being the seasoned Mistress of Melancholy that I am, I kept my brokenness out of sight from the kids.
I gave in and took a Xanax, I get a script for 10 per year. My doctor doesn’t believe in bandaid type meds, she’d rather I be on something fully mind altering 24/7 . Wellbutrin was the last one she wanted me to try I believe, but I haven’t been on any medications for about 4 years or maybe 5 now. I got tired of experimenting with things that just made me feel crappy round the clock and decided Id rather just feel super shitty once in a while.
So my ten that she prescribed to me 4 months ago is down to 8 now, but it was enough to just settle my thoughts. It allowed me to put coherently into words ideas that were just hammering inside my head before. So I had a good long talk with the person who I share space with, and it was a good conversation. He’s always supportive, non-judgemental and helps me to see situations from different angles. I can cry ferociously and he is unwavered, offering only hugs and helpful words. It’s very different from the 14 years I spent with my ex. I don’t want to bash him so sufficient to say it was many years of gaslighting and passive aggressive behaviour.
In some ways, well in many ways actually, I feel like I’ve finally woken up from a long sleep. But it’s painful. Having Caitlin die just shattered me, and picking up the pieces I was forced to see things about my life that were unacceptable. I had spent those years in a lull, doing little internet things here and there, gaming here and there, stuff to help me escape my mundane life instead of beating it like an old dusty rug. Caitlin’s death taught me how short life is, and made me realize I was NOT going to spend the last half of my life being miserable and feeling worthless, unloved and not good enough.
So, yes… a breakdown of sorts last week. Muddled my way through it with support and like each time I fall down I got up feeling a bit wiser about my journey. There’s always a root or a rock that will trip you up and it’s a matter of learning to navigate and pay attention.
It’s Friday, the two youngest have gone to their dads for the night so it will just be me and my person. I think we’re going to attempt to reorganize the bedrooms tonight/tomorrow. Seems to be time to put each boy in his own room. Their constant bickering is really unpleasant. I think they really need their individual space. So….. we’ll see if I’m up for that huge task. I’m scared to pull out their furniture. hah!