…feeling kind of joyless. Being outside today didn’t have it’s usual effect on me. Irritated and sad. Whiny posts arent usually my thing, so I’ll try to keep it limited.
The kids did nothing but fight, which kids do, but today it just was really tough. I don’t know why, some days it just puts me in tears. Makes me feel like a failure. I ended up yelling at them, and then hauling them inside. These days I have to literally pull them off of one another. My 4 year old does not share, my almost 3 year old gets frustrated and attacks. I’m a mother of five, the older three are almost all adults now. Really thought that I’d have a lot more patience this time round. Instead, my patience still often sucks, and now, being older, I tear myself apart afterward, trying to figure out where it comes from. Deep, spiritual, intelligent me vs childish, impatient, cry-baby me. It makes me feel like such a fake. I look at my FB posts etc and see my insightful thoughts, my spiritual revelations etc… and it glares in the face of me screaming at the kids because they are fighting in the mud, biting/hitting each other, and tearfully dragging them in the house (nice display for my neighbours)… no verbal abuse, no spankings or anything. Just a ‘OH MY GOD!! I am SO FREAKING DONE WITH THIS!!!! We are going IN!’…
My husband was inside, trying to record a new track he’s working on, I TRIED to keep us outside for a whole hour so he could work in quiet but forget it. In we burst. I whipped open the sliding door, deposited them inside with him and then stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door making sure the WHOLE house could hear it. Then I sat on the little toddler stool and cried. Berating myself for being such a loser. Picking at all my faults… and at the same time, part of me thinking WHERE does this come from? How can a person who people think is in tune with herself spiritually, a woman who is pursuing a personal ministry based on a communion with the Divine, be such a complete idiot? Then, because I had been reading Ouspensky (sometimes a bit irritating that I can’t even have a good temper tantrum without ‘theosophical reflections’ invading it) I stepped back from myself a bit and really tried to get a feel for this ‘I’ who was berating and who the ‘I’ was who was enduring the berating and crying about it. Ouspensky talks about the multiple ‘I”s . Example… you vow to go to bed early. You quite intend to – but you don’t. You chose to stay up late. Two separate intents.
One part of me is so very happy and connected and excited about life, but as soon as something comes up that makes me feel like a failure at something important (the inability to get the children to get along while having some quality outside time) I fall apart.
Just one of those days.