My Life

30 days without a drink.

In 19 days it will be 3 years without my daughter. My broken heart didn’t heal. It has scars though, lots of them and they have changed me.

I’m entering a new chapter of my life, one that I couldn’t enter before because of the complacency that alcohol brings.

This chapter isn’t lovey/dovey acceptance, and it’s not about tolerance. It’s about taking a stand for myself, and for my life. It’s about getting shit done. Not necessarily how someone ELSE would do it, because that’s not my business.

But my way.

My triumphs aren’t going to mean the same to someone else and I don’t care. My accomplishments are mine. I won’t be belittled and I won’t tolerate being taken advantage of.

This is my life and I am reclaiming it. Officially.

I have a lot more to say about many things but for this moment, right now – this is what I’m feeling – actual anger at everyone who I allowed to hurt me, to make me cry, to make me feel like shit. I am so done with that. No more. Never again.

Hurt from your child dying… that is the WORST hurt and its the hurt you can’t prevent or do a damn thing about. But I will NOT allow anyone else to hurt me.

Too much of my life has been dedicated to tears evoked by others and fears created from my frightened mind. Those two things are related. Being hurt causes your brain to find connections to things and in its sad little way it tries to protect you from future hurt by simply making you too terrified to participate in life.

I still have my anxieties – and I won’t beat myself up for not being able to fight them off or conquer them. But I CAN approach each new situation differently, and I can find the warrior that exists inside me and draw on her to help me through this life going forward, rather than just wanting to crawl away into the shadows and die.

2 Comments

  1. iampeacenow

    Yes – reclaim your life. Do it your way. Don’t allow people to hurt you (I know how hard that one is). Keep being brave and strong. I feel like you are doing everything for 2 people now. Just like me. I kind of suck at it a lot but when I do a brave thing or new thing or get out of my shell in some way I believe my daughter is cheering me on. I know yours is cheering you on as well. She wants to see you find your journey and happiness. – or at least contentment. peace to you always

    • Birch

      Thank you <3 I am definitely doing my best. I do think she would be supporting me in this. It's an odd feeling to climb out of the cave and face the world. It's rather blinding really - but I feel as though I am stumbling less now, even though in many ways things are harder. Still it feels like I can see her in every picture i take - I can see her absence. It's not just 'family pictures at a birthday party', it's 'most of the family in a picture at an event that has a space where my daughter should be'. Trying to focus on happiness though, I know there is great joy to be had. Thank you so much for commenting. Peace.

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