30 days without a drink.
In 19 days it will be 3 years without my daughter. My broken heart didn’t heal. It has scars though, lots of them and they have changed me.
I’m entering a new chapter of my life, one that I couldn’t enter before because of the complacency that alcohol brings.
This chapter isn’t lovey/dovey acceptance, and it’s not about tolerance. It’s about taking a stand for myself, and for my life. It’s about getting shit done. Not necessarily how someone ELSE would do it, because that’s not my business.
But my way.
My triumphs aren’t going to mean the same to someone else and I don’t care. My accomplishments are mine. I won’t be belittled and I won’t tolerate being taken advantage of.
This is my life and I am reclaiming it. Officially.
I have a lot more to say about many things but for this moment, right now – this is what I’m feeling – actual anger at everyone who I allowed to hurt me, to make me cry, to make me feel like shit. I am so done with that. No more. Never again.
Hurt from your child dying… that is the WORST hurt and its the hurt you can’t prevent or do a damn thing about. But I will NOT allow anyone else to hurt me.
Too much of my life has been dedicated to tears evoked by others and fears created from my frightened mind. Those two things are related. Being hurt causes your brain to find connections to things and in its sad little way it tries to protect you from future hurt by simply making you too terrified to participate in life.
I still have my anxieties – and I won’t beat myself up for not being able to fight them off or conquer them. But I CAN approach each new situation differently, and I can find the warrior that exists inside me and draw on her to help me through this life going forward, rather than just wanting to crawl away into the shadows and die.