Sometimes I have these moments, where I swear my meds are giving me some weird side effect, and then I realize I’m not on meds. Not anymore. And in fact, while I was on meds, whether antidepressants or adhd meds, I felt a bit flat, and I found it a bit hard to keep my interest in things of a spiritual nature.
These moments have preceded my adulthood, and have never been frequent enough to make me wonder if I was a bit loopy. (I mean, we’re ALL a bit loopy, but you know, MORE loopy than usual…)
Anyhow, the last significant moment was this recent spring. As the chill gave way to warmth. The ground warming and the fragrance of awakening earth mingling with the sound of newly born leaves rustling in the wind. A feeling of sudden overwhelming love, emotion, energy, music, LIFE. Fast forward six months…
This time, today, I was sitting in the backyard. The two little monkeys running about, playing in the soil of my slowly clearing flower beds. I was sitting in a plastic patio chair, in the center of the yard, back facing west, slightly angled to the north in order to keep the bright, low Autumn sun from shining directly into my face.
I looked up , and saw clouds. Just two full clouds, with a few scattered bits here and there, like little islands surrounding the big islands. The clouds were travelling in a southern direction, and they swelled, and expanded and billowed and contracted, all whilst gently moving from my left, to my right, and then finally dissipating altogether. Casting my glance down, to nothing in particular, perhaps a fallen leaf or something else that sort of stood out amongst my slightly overgrown grass, I saw, in my peripheral vision, all the grass, and the earth under it, slightly expanding, and then falling, like the heaving in and expelling action of a chest in the action of breathing.
I looked at the grass itself, and of course, typical of that tricky peripheral, I could see it still, all about the edges, a slight swell and flattening of grass. It was so very visible that at first I thought maybe it was the grass popping back up, all over the yard, from where little toddler feet had trampled it… and as I was contemplating this, I saw all the trees, my quince, the asian pear, the lilacs, and elderberries, the fatsia and low lying shrubs, all moving about….
The trees all moving, the grass rising and falling, the clouds filling and emptying, and it just hit me. Truth? I’m examining all of this. This insanely alien movement of beauty… this dance of the… World Soul? Shekhinah? God? all around me, and it is an experience that seems to mock all my questioning and analyzing as simple childish queries.
And at that moment I felt that Truth was something that would always elude me. How FAR I felt from an answer! ANY answers! I suddenly felt alone, and alien and silly. I felt that I was a solitary viewer of this show. I was an integral, connected AND remote, DISconnected observer
I suddenly felt like I should be barefoot in the damp grass, scattering food for the chickens I don’t have, and wearing a scarf about my head. I suddenly felt as though time was overlapping in layers, and that they were mingled and meaningless but so very clear and full of meaning. Contradictions were abundant and I kept thinking, “I am SO far from knowing” And then I cried.
And then, I felt wonderful. I felt closer to the thing I call God, than ever before. I felt as though I was shown something. I can’t explain what it was I was shown, and even though the feeling and images are still quite fresh in my mind, at ten after midnight tonight, of my experience thirteen hours ago, I am unable to put it all together. And I’m okay with that.
The experience lasted about five minutes, but the awe that I felt sat with me the rest of the day, and is still there as soon as I begin to think about it.
I’m sure to read this , if anyone does, it will come off sounding disjointed, and either completely plain and boring , or slightly insane – all depends on perspective I guess. But I wrote it nontheless, because in the past while, I become much more efficient at typing than writing with pen and paper , and far less likely to lose that which I type online, then that which I write down .