Ech.

Yeah, that’s about it. I feel like crap. No idea why. Started with a kinked neck a week ago. Nothing new there however, as I’ve had neck pain off and on, just like the majority of the population.

I think it’s been made worse by the fact that I prop myself up when I sleep. I started doing this a few months ago when I had a bad laryngospasm brought on by what I think was an aspiration on stomache fluid in my sleep. I had gone to bed with a bit of reflux-ish heartburn sort of thing… not uncommon, but never particularly bothersome. I eat alot of salad and always make a vinegar/garlic dressing and sometimes I eat this late, so often I’m a wee bit burpy before bed. Well, this night, I woke up about 3 or 4 am… coughing up a bit of fluid that tasted like bile, suddenly, my throat closed up and I could not draw in breath. Have you ever heard someone with stridor? Let me tell you, being the one having a fit like that and hearing the horrible sound I was making while trying to draw in breath was terrifying.  It lasted like what seemed forever, and just as I was about to accept the fact that I was going to die, my throat began to open back up and I caught my breath. My throat burned like stomache acid, I felt it in my nose. I was exhausted and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up the next day feeling similar to what someone who has drowned felt like. Coughing up fluid all day, chest aching when I tried to breath. Shoulder muscles hurting. So, so tired.

So, now I don’t eat before bed, and I sleep propped up slightly.

K, back to the present… I don’t sleep well because in the back of my mind, I feel like I’m going to die in my sleep lol. Also, I have a problem with really dry eyes and as I nod off to sleep, and my eyes roll, I immediately snap awake, because often I wake up during the night with horrible eye pain, like my cornea is being torn off. Many months ago, my yougest son poked me in the eye while I was rocking him to sleep. My eye was toast for about two days. Apparently there was a small tear in it, and when my eyes get dry, or when the lid ridge flicks over the cornea (when the eyes move during sleep) it HURTS like HELL…. however, my left eye does it somewhat also, and I don’t recall having any damage in it.

So, I sleep shitty. Yesterday I awoke feeling like I did that night I aspirated, except that I wasn’t coughing up anything. Extreme pain in my chest, right shoulder, upper neck, right breast. Headache, hot breath, no fever. Achey, and very close to tears all day. Felt like a bad flu coming on, but no fever. Weak, dizzy, and this headache that I’ve had for about a week or so that comes and goes.

Now today, my breath isn’t hot, and the chest pain has weakened but I still feel like crap. And jittery, and just… odd. I feel like I am having a non-stop panic attack, and maybe now I am. Shortness in my breath triggers panic attacks in me, though I haven’t had panic attacks in YEARS… so maybe I’m just worried about feeling sick, which is making me feel anxious, which is bringing on a panic attack, which is making me feel sick which is…. got it? Vicous cycle. Today an upset stomache too, which is indicative of panic attacks…

I just want to feel better. My two litttle guys need me, and I’m mentally just so confused, irritated and sad right now it’s not good. So, doctor appt ten days from now, but im going to go to the clinic tonight to at least have them listen to my heart and chest… knowing if my bloodpressure etc is okay will probably at least lesson THAT fear which might in turn alleviate any anxiety symptoms I’m having. Sometimes I think that (and this might sound stupid) that I’m having some post-traumatic stress issues from that night I aspirated. I am WAY overly sensitive. Truly… and maybe even though it wouldnt have bothered anyone else, I’m just a freak and over reacting to it.

So, thought I’d post this, thinking that maybe if I wrote it all out publicly, it would make me feel better, and maybe even a bit silly. (and anyone with a panic attack knows that if you can laugh at yourself while having a panic attack, it can almost totally stop a panic attack from progressing 🙂 )

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