So – just touching base here to keep things straight. Days just sort of meld into one another.
Funeral was on the 22nd. Monday my son returned to Japan – ouch. That was a real huge load of sad feels watching him get into my dad’s car for the ride to the airport. Then it was Tuesday. I had a 12-case of beer and drank them throughout the day. It took the edge off. Wednesday I did the same. Then I had a phone call conversation with a friend who talked about being open to her presence. I realized that if I just drink all day, EVEN if not drunk but still buzzed and mildly sedated all day, that I won’t be able to feel her, or sense her. Won’t be sure if what I feel is real or just beer induced weirdness.
My friend also mentioned something that kind of sat with me. He and I became friends online through a game we both played, and I have other online friends as well. He said “We’ve never met, hugged etc., yet there is a close friendship. Caring. What we are does not know the limits of our bodies, it surpasses them. Likewise, your daughter is more than the body she was in. She surpasses that” – not word for word but general idea. And that makes sense to me. He also talked about the holographic universe and other concepts and I realized that there are other ways of allowing my brain to understand the concept of her passing.
That evening, my daughter’s boyfriend came over, along with a friend of hers from out of town who was still in town from the service the previous weekend, and her friend of many years who lived upstairs from her. (My daughter rented the basement suite below)
The out of town friend Chris brought a gift. – a cool cat cup 😀 I guess technically it is called a mug. But it’s not really muggish. It’s tall and slender. And it has a lid.
Yesterday was Halloween. It was tough. Well I mean, every day is tough. But any day that I think of ‘what we used to do’ makes it super tough. Here are the two of us from two years ago.
I just miss her SO freaking much. So much. I know everyone misses their loved ones when they die. And I know there are worse ways to go, etc etc. Doesn’t stop me from straining to hear her voice in my mind, replaying images of her smile. And wondering what the FUCK is wrong with the universe. Why are deaths so joyous and amazing and births so shitty and fucking horrible. Why don’t we get some sort of clue as to what happens after so that we don’t have to sit around like mental cases, analyzing everything to make sense of it. If death is so natural and whatever then why don’t we get to know? We know how a body is formed, we know how a body decomposes… but the awareness. The identity. What happens?
I’m also getting to this point where I want to know what exactly happened. Why did her heart stop, how come, at her last appointment no one had any red flags waving. Heart palpitations and that sort of thing, the things she wrote off as panic attacks and that seemed to have no basis in anything. Or the lamitrogine she was on for her seizures and whatever, and her tiredness… looking back now there were warning signs. If you look up about Tetralogy of Fallot it says that most people by about 30 go on to have a valve replacement. Was her valve suddenly leaking and no one knew? Could she have been saved? Like… shit. Almost every death, unless from an illness, has so many ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ s . I could let my brain sit in that thought all day and then I would want to go yell at her doctor for not sending her for an immediate echo or other tests.
There was a bit of a derailment. Derailing doesn’t help.
So, back to ‘stuff’. Trick or treating happened. I’m trying to pick up some of the spiritual stuff again because I know I need it. So much of it just feels like fake bullshit right now though.
I did do this, because it felt right. I remember when getting her to give out candy she would tell me that she’d just eat it all. And she’d laugh. I put some chocolate bars out for her and lit some candles to honour all the directions and elements, and lit a diffuser with scented oil. I let the candles burn until I went to bed just past midnight.
Another thing I did last night after we got home, was played Animal Crossing with her littlest bro on 3DS. I have the 3DSxl and he has the 2DS. We went to each other’s town and played tricks with the villagers and got candy that I was giving to Jack for masks and furniture.
It’s the first time I’ve played Animal Crossing in a long while. It feels so strange because she was the one that got me into it, talked me into getting this game a year ago. She had given me her 3DS because she had got herself a new XL. And so her, and her older bro a and I sat around playing on the 3ds’s . The town keeps on going, even when you don’t log in. Seasons change, and the villagers will ask you where the heck you’ve been. It makes me sad to think that her villagers would miss her .. and YES I know they are just npc’s but still 🙁 Her boyfriend goes into her town and tidies things up and stuff. But it still makes me so very, stinking sad :/
Here’s her littlest bro and I playing last night.
I dressed up as a cross between the Cailleach and an owl. Seemed appropriate.
I miss you my sweet girly. <3 Forever and ever, past the sun, moon and stars.
On a happy note, my Doctor Who shirts and some new Doctor Who socks showed up today that I’d ordered only a few days ago. So, I will sign off with that as a bit of cheer.